Kaleidoscope
by SammieeJay
Summary: Will she chose the job she's has always wanted, or her relationship with Richard Castle? {Alternative ending to watershed.} "At least you can enjoy the sun's warm rays on your face. Or that cold December wind biting at your cheeks."


**_A/N: An alternative way for watershed to have ended. Purely imagination. :) This is set when it's snowy...because, we've had rain...snow would be cute. ;)_**

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**_Disclaimer: I don't won castle...or the characters._**

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_**KALEIDOSCOPE**_

It had always baffled Kate how, for a place so big, the airport was also extremely cramped. She sat poised in an undeniably uncomfortable chair as she waited for her flight number to be called. She contemplated flicking through the pages which had already been read twice in the paper she had purchased in a failed attempt to settle her nerves and take her mind off her guilt. Her attention was caught by the small child just across from her trying to kick the seat in front of him. Whilst she hoped he wouldn't be sat behind her on the flight to D.C, she couldn't help but smile. The little boy had piercing blue eyes, and he reminded her very much of a young Rick Castle; and at the thought the butterflies in her stomach began to roar, unsettled once again. She remembered her harsh words before she left for the airport._"You like to play games, don't you Castle…how 'bout a game of solitaire? No? Oh that's right. You don't hold the cards anymore."_ She realised it was harsh. Hell, she couldn't believe she h_ad_said it, and she had no idea why she had. It was unlike her. And, damn she regretted it.

Taking a deep, steady breath she looked around once more; her eyes scanning over the open shops and the many people before she sighed and put her hands in her pocket. As she let her eyes momentarily close, they snapped back open when her hands clasped around something which felt like a piece of folded paper. Pulling it out, she instantly recognised the writing from the one simple word scribbled on the folded paper. _'Kate'_

Letting her shaking hands unfold the papers, she felt her heart pounding in her chest, her eyes stinging as she thought about him. She followed the sentences word for word, each one making her heart throb even more than the last.

_'To you, Katherine Houghton Beckett, who has made me see things, things that I would never have been able to see alone._

_I am not sure how long this 'break' will go on for, but I can't handle going from being greeted with a frosty hello, to having nothing more than a slight downward glance, when all I am used to is nothing less than your dazzling smile. Before you told me about the job offer, I was worried about you. I thought I had been too forward, been too pushy and I couldn't quite work out why you hadn't said anything to me, because you are never backwards about coming forward if I do something you don't like._

_It is human nature to want comfort. Our ideas of love stem from fears of being alone. We settle for what we presume is love because we are comfortable. It is that comfort that distracts us from our fear. Despite my knowing that I am deeply in love with you, I am most comfortable with you. And, despite yourself, I think you are too; but you let you fears override your reasoning and common sense. I want to be comfortable with you. I want to continue our game of loving each other, caring about each other. I don't want to keep meeting people and succumbing to monotonous conversation, pretending that I am interested in them, investing myself into relationships which have no true meanings, just to reach a level of comfort and regret, knowing none of them will ever be, or come close to you._

_I don't know if I will ever get chance to say this to you in person, but thank you for accepting me as part of your team, and most of the time, being patient with me, even when I'm being the rude, egotistical jackass which I get told frequently-by yourself- that I am._

_Everything will be okay. I wish that I could explain to you how much you mean to me, but even as a writer, words fail me. I was a completely different person before we met. I was immature (well, you could probably say that I still am), I was the playboy writer that didn't care about his relationships, the person who had no responsibility aside from his grown up daughter. You've shown me that it's ok to fall in love, and that it is okay to be who I am, that the people who really love me won't think any less of me for it._

_It never ceases to amaze me how much you actually do care, Kate - no matter how much you deny it. It's beautiful. Hell, you're beautiful. I want to be good enough for you, but I don't know what that is. I don't know how to do that, because I am not sufficient to fill the place in your life for the wonder you'd have if you gave up the chance of working for the FBI. I would hate for you to stay and resent me for holding you back._

_I used to be able to stoically brush off these feelings with conviction. It wasn't even acting.__I could put on a brave face and, when alone, succumb to sadness, longing and fear. Those reactions never used to faze me. But with you, Kate...everything is different. This is real._

_Now, I'm trying to be impervious to emotion. You know more than most that, life…it's hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning,__a__ch__allenge to get yourself out of bed. To put on that beautiful smile that can light up a room, even with blacked out windows. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are. So, even if I'm not there with you when you have a bad day, I will be there with you in spirit and remember your very own words; "even on the worst days, there's a possibility of joy."_

_I know that the weather may not always be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what; at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun's warm rays on your face. Or that cold December wind biting at your cheeks. __A__nd I can know in my heart that you are out there somewhere, fulfilling what you were born to do._

_I wish I could tell you how much I love you. But there just aren't words, are there? The friendship we have is the kind that only comes along once in a lifetime. The kind where we can know what the other thinks and feels without saying a word; the kind where we're so in sync, where we finish off each other's sentences. You mean everything to me- there really isn't another way to put it. But I am scared. I know it sounds selfish, but I need you. And I need you to need me, Kate. It terrifies me that there is a possibility that you could find someone else to pass the time with, just talking like we have, in your new life. Your friendship means more to me than anything else ever has, and I would be completely lost without it._

_I would like to think that I'm irreplaceable to you, and that there isn't another person who could take my place in your life. But I'm not going to set that in stone. Please remember to call me when you can. I'll always answer, and I'll always be there for you. No matter what happens. No matter what you decide to do. Even if all we will ever be again is friends, I will take that over nothing because I cannot imagine my life without you in it now, Beckett - and I'm sticking around whether you like it or not._

_I know we say we have no regrets, but strictly speaking that is not exactly true. I regret that I didn't meet you sooner, I regret that you weren't my first and only wife...I regret that it took us four, damn long years for us to act upon the undeniable feelings we had for each other - Even though I fell for you first._

_I know all great things must come to an end, but I will fight for us, Katherine Houghton Beckett, because you are my one, Kate. You're my always._

_So...yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for letting me follow you around for the past five years, for being my impeccable muse (no matter how maddening at times) Kate, I will never forget these years spent with you and the boys. The twelfth has become like a second home to me, the guys like brothers and Gates...like a step mom. (I think she's starting to like me, you know)._

_I wish you the best of luck in D.C, and who knows. Maybe one day, I'll be fortunate enough to see you again._

_I wish you nothing but the best in your new life. And, even though it breaks my heart knowing that I won't see you every day; I genuinely hope that you find all the happiness you deserve._

_And as for the ring, wear it when you're ready._

_Until tomorrow, Kate._

_I'll love you, Always._

_Rick.'_

Time stood still, and Kate felt tears falling fast down her cheeks as she finished reading the letter, the words replaying over and over in her mind. Her heart was beating hard in her chest, faster than its usual pace as she glanced over the body of the letter again. Yeah, sure she'd had 'love letters' before, but hell nothing like that.

A silver glint caught her eye and she diverted her eyes back to her pocket, to see what looked to be a ring with a note looped inside.

Her breath caught in her throat as she saw the ring, he'll it was stunning. She peeled the note from inside it, and opened it up - wiping fiercely at her sodden eyes.

'_And as for the ring, It's not so much an engagement ring, even though one day I hope it will transform into that too, and I will walk you down the aisle, but for now more of a commitment one. A promise. A promise that no matter how long you're gone, I will stay faithful to you. I have one too, and I will wear it every day. As a reminder of you. Us.'_

And, as she stuffed the note back in her pocket, she threaded the ring onto the long silver chain around her neck supporting her moms ring. When they clinked together, she did it back up and held it within her hands for a little while, thinking things through _before she grabbed her b_ags and proceeded to run towards the exit. It was flurrying when she stepped out of the airport and Kate smiled up at the sky.

Though beautiful, the snow was cold and sharp as it bit at her fingers and the wind kissed her cheeks in the perishing breeze. Large flakes fell from heaven as if the angels were having a pillow fight above their heads. Crisp white layers of snow covered every open spot of land; transforming the landscape and making it a magical land full of wonder and undiscovered mysteries.

_New York_ was pretty in the winter; when she wasn't trudging and climbing through slush. The place sparkled. It didn't smell as much in the winter and everyone seemed either cheery or too busy to bother being belligerent. Or, maybe it was the scene that the veil of white snow that lay on top of every object created. She grabbed her bags and headed towards his house; tears falling fast down her rose cheeks, but she didn't think twice before she stopped at their usual coffee shop, quickly purchasing their usual drinks. When she arrived, he seemed shocked to see her there, stood on his doorstep with large snowflakes hanging from her hair. In that moment, she realised he was her solid ground, her North Star, her always and her one and done.

"Beckett, what are you doing here? Don't you have a plane to catch?" He sounded undeniably shocked and she felt somewhat bad, because her leaving did this to him. Her even contemplating leaving did this to him.

"I brought you coffee... "Kate spoke softly, running a hand through her hair, mussed by frequent passes through it whilst she was sitting in the waiting area at the airport. Lifting the cup of warm coffee, she let the scent infiltrate her nostrils; letting the soothing aroma caress her nasal passages, as it seeped through her lungs like a silk sheet. Her mouth watering as the coffee mug neared her neutral-coloured plump quivering lips, only to be taken in by a desperate yearning in her mouth. The coffee warming her tingling tongue as it slipped through her ever welcoming throat, gliding down it with ease and precision.

Castle watched her before letting out a small laugh of relief, taking his coffee gently from her hands.

"You have _a lot_ of explaining to do, Miss Beckett."

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